This has been a whirlwind year. I was blessed in many ways this year. It was a year filled with memories, lots of laughter and good times. It was also a year of some hard times, but I got through those and came out on the upside. And finally it became also a year of regrets, loss and sorrow.
I care about people a great deal. Some look at this as a good thing and some look at it as a character flaw. I care about people I know and people I don't know. If someone is going through a hard time, a sorrowful time, I hurt for them and I want to do some little something to make it better. Sometimes this bites me in the butt, but it's who I am. I care about animals, all animals and most people don't understand the depths to which I take it but again, that is me.
I've been told by many, many people that I'm nosey. Am I? You bet I am. Too much so sometimes, but it comes from another character flaw, my need to be needed and loved. Some say I'm a strong woman, but that's not really true. I don't know why needing to be needed and needing to be loved consumes me but it does and it causes noseyness sometimes. It causes me to snoop and be nosey and look for ways that I can help someone or comfort someone and in return, be needed and loved. It causes me to cross the line sometimes, unintentionally.
With all the good things that have been in my life this year, yes, there have been regrets. In trying to help, to be kind, to comfort, to uplift, I lost something dear to me. Something special I hadn't had very long, yet I treasured a great deal. I lost a friendship and I regret that. I tried to repair the damage, but it was not to be. While it's not best for me, maybe it is best for the friend and for that reason, I must let it go and move on. Because I do care, not just about everyone else, but about the friend, and I would rather lose the friend than cause any more damage.
I am well aware that I go overboard at times with my offers to help, to do, to give. I love to give. It's probably good I'm not rich. If I were, I would have no more money than I do now. I detest shopping for myself, which is possibly why I'm limited to one pair of jeans, a dozen or so shirts, five pairs of shoes and a dozen or so other items. I loathe it, but I can spend all day and hundreds and hundreds of dollars shopping for someone else. I love it. I love the surprise on their face, their joy and their hapiness when they receive. But again, even though I like to give for the pure pleasure of it, I understand that sometimes I'm trying to buy my way into their lives, to be noticed to be accepted, to be loved and while that's not really acceptable, I don't know how to change because I want these things so badly.
Yes it has been mostly a good year. I was reunited with people that I thought I'd never see again, I saw high school friends and childhood friends from 40 years ago, I found a new church family that I love and who loves me. I reconnected with loved ones. It was good, it was fun and it was a blessing.
There's just that one regret and I have to let it go. Lord, give me the strength to let it go. I am at peace that I thought I was doing and saying the right thing, I truly believed that, but I am still saddened that it wasn't received in the same manner. Just give me strength.
Please do not comment on this blog. It was written for me, so I can reread it and deal with it. I am not looking for pity or consolation or cheerleaders or even understanding. I just needed to write it. I needed to get it out in written words because it will hopefully help me become a better person. If you just feel an overwhelming need to throw your two cents in, please just pray for me, that I will find peace and that I will have another blessed, memorable, good year without causing a situation for regrets. Thanks and Hugs to all.
No comments:
Post a Comment